My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
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Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Me: how are you
Friday: good
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE