[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
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Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!