@lovemydogduck: My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I'm practicing jumping out of a moving car.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Lexactly: Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying "Cute doggie" and realizing it's their kid
@Just__J0: My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I'm thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
@ch000ch: i've grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before