My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
You Might Also Like
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.