My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
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Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Rambo Rambow
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.