My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
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Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I don’t make the rules sorry
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…