*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
You Might Also Like
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Why soy sad?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!