If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.