My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
You Might Also Like
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
British websites use biscuits.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.