I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
You Might Also Like
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said âI can picture myself taking a dump in hereâ is a tragically missed opportunity
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says heâs 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Dolly Parton wrote âJoleneâ and âI Will Always Love Youâ on the same day and Iâve been âgetting ready to vacuumâ for the past two weeks.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isnât wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
đđđ
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I donât know. How do you THINK today is going?
âget a dogâ they said
âitâll be funâ they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Iâm tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Me: [to 15 yr old] âYou already eat?â
15: âyaâ
Me: âWhat colourâd you use?â
15: âI used orange.â
Me: âCool. Iâll use a white.â
– mac n cheese has itâs own language.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldnât go down.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”