My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
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I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
hi why am I like this
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.