My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
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Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.