My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
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4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
my nickname in college