Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
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My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
These aliens are taking forever.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.