Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
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Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Jail
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters