*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
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never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws