My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
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Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I’m tired tomorrow.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.