@TheCatWhisprer: My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
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@TheMichaelRock: My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I'm pretty sure the cashier thinks I'm making a girlfriend.
@DirtMcTurd: Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend? "What? Why?" It sounds boring and there's no way that couple makes it.. "It's OUR wedding!"
@bea_ker: GUY POSING FOR THE SCREAM PAINTING: Are you done? Let me see EDVARD MUNCH: You look great GUY: Let me see EDVARD MUNCH: No
@InternetHippo: [i get a phone call] "Hi we'd like to talk to you about your tweets" ME: Wow thank you but I don't do interviews "This is the police"