My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
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April 1st is the class clown of days.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.