@Lisabug74: My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won't eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won't use his skull as a cup.
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@McNarstle: Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who's dating your ex.
@jwoodham: We all deserve friends like the Backstreet Boys. If you ask "am I sexuaaaal?" and don't get a "yeeeeeeah!" in response, you need a new crew.
@johnnyw1981: As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won't think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.