@Lisabug74: My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won't eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won't use his skull as a cup.
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@DestineyLynn: As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed... And then I remembered I got gas.
@PaperWash: My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'.
@DurtMcHurtt: Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash* McDonald's employee: [nervously assuring me] it's all there I swear.