My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.