My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
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“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he鈥檚 already seen me kill that week
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I鈥檓 pretty sure it was on purpose so he can鈥檛 see how shit 2020 is
Don鈥檛 be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that鈥檚 hardcore
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
SHE SAID YES!! 馃槏馃槏馃槏馃拲馃拲馃拲 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It鈥檚 Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
So fluffy! 馃槏 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?