My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
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My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
My Sentiments Exactly
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.