My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
You Might Also Like
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?