my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
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Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.