People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
You Might Also Like
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”