ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
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cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I put the p in pants.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
It was worth a shot 😂
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
i wish we could shoplift online
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.