My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
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Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side