My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
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Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
these two trucks have the same bed length
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea