@PowKapowBoom: My cat is stuck in a Cheeto bag and I'm really pissed that I didn't think of that first.
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@kwirkyKerri: The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides! Your days are numbered missy.
@dragonsorbet: [Picking up girls] Me: you like bad boys, huh? Girls: yea Me to my wing man: tell them Wing man: he's just literally the worst
@TheMichaelRock: My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can't remember to flush the toilet.
@IvoryGazelle: [inventing tupperware] make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti