They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
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Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
the best thing i’ve ever made
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*