My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
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Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
yeah not falling for this one
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*