My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
You Might Also Like
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
when dads have a rap battle
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.