my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
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My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on