My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
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My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
This probably isn’t good
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.