My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
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“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)