The Compass
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Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
The best plant holders?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?