Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
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Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.