@barfolishus: My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said "ugh" and I've never agreed with him more
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@ThugRaccoons: [My cooking show] Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up. Kevin: *crying*
@Dawn_M_: I don't know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
@envydatropic: I'm no auto mechanic but I'm pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
@OreoSpeedwagon_: Never judge Darth Vader's parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists.