@barfolishus: My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said "ugh" and I've never agreed with him more
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@Capt_Spanky: Text to wife: "Would you bring me my " and my phone suggests "girlfriend." My phone is trying to kill me.
@chairmanMAO_92: Why didn't the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock...
@AaronFullerton: To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats: A) Why? B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.