@barfolishus: My cat just meowed and it sounded like he said "ugh" and I've never agreed with him more
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@david8hughes: [giving grandmother's eulogy] But on the plus side, that's the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
@patnspankme: This orange juice says shake well before drinking. *shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
@sucittaM: I hate when I'm in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I'm in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
@ehdannyboy: People that start a sentence with "Now I'm not trying to be rude" are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.