@LuvPug: My cat just showed it's holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
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@SteveKoehler22: When your wife asks you to dig a hole for her shrub- She'll feel threatened if you make it large enough to hold a body. I know this now.
@KeetPotato: me: "i re-wrote pulp fiction" director: "wow ok" [reads script] "this is literally just pulp fiction" me: "i didnt say it was different"
@SuperShourds: My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.
@jordan_stratton: Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.