@_little_old_me: My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he'll probably eat that eyeball first.
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@okimstillhungry: Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped. Me: I guess I FROGOT :) Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
@rad_milk: GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i'm wielding a huge ass sword GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn't you just wish for a sword though ME: oh yeah damn
@TheAlexNevil: 7: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million Me: Thats great! *I walk away