@_little_old_me: My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he'll probably eat that eyeball first.
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@TheBeerGuy73: [Voice from police helicopter] PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR! *raises hands* *takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight* *uploads new avi*
@justokdane: spider: sup me: omg stay away spider: don't worry I'm a good spider me: there's good spiders? spider: hahaha no I'm gonna get you
@food_shoes_life: Me to myself: don't eat it you need to lose weight. Also me: watch me eat this entire pizza.
@OctopusCaveman: I want a doctor and a lawyer to do commentary on Home Alone and discuss the severity of the injuries and the liability of the homeowners.