@_little_old_me: My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he'll probably eat that eyeball first.
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@theshamingofjay: Life Goals Me at 14 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex Me at 34 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex
@brianbowman73: I was once put in the 'friend zone," but with perseverance that all changed. I'm now in the 'must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.'
@ShortSleeveSuit: [blind date] Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS Her: Hi, I’m Linda Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*