@Manda_like_wine: My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said "not now" so wish us luck we're officially married.
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@BonaFideIntent: I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
@KentWGraham: My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
@PyrBliss: The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that's not a risk I'm willing to take.
@SamuelHLowe: - You always have to have the last word. - THAT IS A LIE! - OK, I'm sorry. - Spatula.