My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
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I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.