@Manda_like_wine: My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said "not now" so wish us luck we're officially married.
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@TinaMav: How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
@amphy1981: Life goals: Age 6: Be a pirate 10: Kiss more girls 16: Be 18 21: Be rich by 30 22 - 32: *File corrupted* 33: Improve on napping
@simoncholland: [Produce Aisle] Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave. *mouthful of like 20 grapes * "That lady took one too!!"
@Tbone7219: Tweets a cocaine joke gets 120 favorites & a trophy Post a cocaine joke on Facebook & gets 170 "we are praying for you" & an intervention.