The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
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My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.