To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
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Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.