If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
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I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.