@mdob11: My cat just winked at me and now it's awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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@WheelTod: For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
@JohnLyonTweets: [parent-teacher conference] Teacher: Which kid is yours? Me: I don't have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot. T: M: How you doin'?
@Rachelnoise: 15: MOM, WHERE'S MY NIRVANA SHIRT?! Me: Name THREE songs & I'll help you look for it. 15: ...
@NolaChef504: "You take pills because you're crazy" "No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don't take pills"