My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
#Thanos #MondayMood
christening a ship with an overripe banana
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.