My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.