@bourgeoisalien: My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, "Meow meow meow meow meow meow." Dunno, think it's a little pretentious.
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@Brampersandon_: ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!? ME: ok wow now I'm conflicted
@envydatropic: Stuck between "that was awesome" and "OMG do you need medical attention" wherever I walk off the dance floor
@batkaren: HER: I love Deadpool ME: I love Dead Pool HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too? ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims' bodies* Hmm?
@U_Want_Shum_M8: I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college