@bourgeoisalien: My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, "Meow meow meow meow meow meow." Dunno, think it's a little pretentious.
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@NintenDom: Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up.
@NJFreudian: My therapist asked me, "How would leaving twitter make you feel?" I replied by asking him, "How would switching therapists make you feel?"
@bridger_w: Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, "I'll never forget the time we spent together"
@DaddyBeerGuy: In case you haven't checked Facebook, It's hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!