My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
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Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Encore…
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?