@bourgeoisalien: My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, "Meow meow meow meow meow meow." Dunno, think it's a little pretentious.
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@LucyLouMcB: You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let's do it; I've already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so....
@daemonic3: [1st date] HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u? ME: OMG SAME HER: What part's ur fave? ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
@RickAaron: I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don't have any laser hair.
@ComedicBust: [walking into a mattress store] Me: [smiling too hard] Manager: You can't jump on the beds. Me: [no longer smiling]