@Laser_Cat: My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
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@13spencer: A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
@mamatomy3: Me: There is a small tree on fire. 911: Could you describe it? Me:Picture shrubbery...now picture it engulfed in flames.
@Marlebean: [outside a blazing house] Firefighter: ... Me: ... Firefighter: ... Me: ... There was a spider.