@Laser_Cat: My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
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@SeeEllVee: Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don't get all the cancer today!
@TheSharona06: Sent him a pic and he replied "BOOM!!" Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
@LindaInDisguise: Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed. Doctor: Ma'am, that's your husband. Me: And your point is...?