My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
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*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.