My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
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“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Before & after 😅
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Breaking news:
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.