@vulcan_kelly: My cat rolled on my weed tray and now half my weed is stuck in her fur......Do I smoke my cat?
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@dubiousgenius: Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
@tonsmorecowbell: My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I'm peeing in the toilet every night.
@TheMichaelRock: All the good guys aren't taken; they're at the bar on Tuesday nights. Trust me. I'm a stranger on the internet.
@AndyAsAdjective: Boss, I can't come in today. Got a bad case of- *puts hand over phone* -what was it again? Daughter: Boogeritis. *to phone* It's Boogeritis.