Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
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[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
So glad we cleared that up
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”