My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
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My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
*sewing*
A thread
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Good morning, Twitter x
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.