@Bob_Janke: My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I'll be buying a new house now.
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@Ham_Tornado: New children's book I'm working on: "Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak".
@TheAlexNevil: I don't trust a restaurant that advertises "Now with more bacon!" because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
@doctorveritas: "It's possible to touch birds!" I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.