@Bob_Janke: My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I'll be buying a new house now.
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@EliTerry: another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
@XplodingUnicorn: [looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college] Me: Wow, you used to be hot Wife: *death glare* Me: ...but not as hot as you are now
@RevReee: I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
@capricecrane: Now's a good time to change your facebook name to "Nobody," so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, "Nobody likes this."