My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
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me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it