@itsa_talia: my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he'd stop wasting the coke. it's like goddamn amateur hour with him.
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@tat2dsoccermom: My boyfriend said he wanted me to be more affectionate, so now I have TWO boyfriends.
@girl_a_whirl: [invasion] *aircrafts dropping from the sky *explosions everywhere *mass hysteria Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
@Donna_McCoy: Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We're all friends here. - alcohol
@WheelTod: Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn't real, and it's been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.