@itsa_talia: my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he'd stop wasting the coke. it's like goddamn amateur hour with him.
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@MissNaughty1801: I find it inconsiderate that policemen always ask if I had been drinking but they never bother to ask if I had anything to eat at all
@geekonursleeve: [table of 6 year olds in lab coats] How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we *bangs fist on table* CAN'T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
@ScottLinnen: Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
@iwearaonesie: [texting] me: I just left and I already miss you wife *typing response* me: (can you read that to the dog for me)