@itsa_talia: my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he'd stop wasting the coke. it's like goddamn amateur hour with him.
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@edgarrants: The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you 'randomly fall asleep' in the middle of a conversation.
@Tmoney68: Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said "We do our business in your mouth" and I haven't stopped laughing.
@stephenjmolloy: Greg: "You've put Christmas decorations up?" Ian: "I know it's only November but-" Greg: "We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue."