Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
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My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I want to meet the individual who made this
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Green is just blue that someone peed in
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.